What's in a Prayer?

It may be more than you think.

“It doesn't matter how you pray--with your head bowed in silence, or crying out in grief, or dancing. Churches are good for prayer, but so are garages and cars and mountains and showers and dance floors.”

— Anne Lamott

The subject of this post triggers a memory. Once during a session with a spiritual direction client, I invited him to share what he thought about the practice of prayer. His response is one I’ll not soon forget: “Prayer seems to be what some people use when they need something, almost as if talking to Santa Claus or accessing a magical ATM in the sky.”

That isn’t the only time I’ve heard something close to that statement. It usually comes from a person who is disillusioned by a former or current religious affiliation. It always amazes (and saddens) me that this is the residual impression the person now carries regarding this potentially transformative spiritual practice.

Let’s Start with the Basics

Prayer is found across virtually all religious and spiritual traditions. Its purpose varies depending on context, belief system, and individual intention. Most fundamentally, however, prayer is viewed as a means of communicating with a higher power. This communication could include worship, confession, or thanksgiving. It could also include – as was the impression of the formerly referenced gentleman – making a request (or petition).

Many traditions regard prayer as a means to cultivate transformation through spiritual discipline -- a way to bring about inner peace, moral character, or alignment with spiritual truths. Formalized prayer rituals often serve to reinforce group identity and shared values. Certain prayers are intercessory in nature in that they ask for healing, guidance, success, or protection on behalf of others.

There are some common formats prayer can take. Set (or liturgical) prayers are those recited from religious texts at specific times or occasions. Examples include: the Lord’s Prayer from Christianity, the Shema from Judaism, or the five daily salat prayers from Islam. In contrast, spontaneous (or personal) prayers are informal and unstructured. They may express one’s personal needs, feelings, or a sense of gratitude.

Contemplative (or meditative) prayer is another format, one that emphasizes silence, stillness, and awareness rather than internal or external verbal expression. In the text, Open Mind, Open Heart (2002), Fr. Thomas Keating included the following as reflecting characteristics of contemplative prayer: Centering Prayer from Christianity, Zazen meditation from Zen Buddhism, and Japa mantra repetition from Hinduism.

An Approachable Take on Prayer

One of my favorite writers, who has her own views on prayer, is Anne Lamott. She is known for her honest, often humorous, and deeply spiritual reflections on the topic, as well as faith and life in general. In her writings, she presents prayer as both deeply personal and transformative. She also presents the practice in a highly relatable and non-dogmatic way.

Lamott is not formally trained as a theologian or spiritual leader, but she is a writer and thinker with decades of experience in her exploration of the themes of faith, spirituality, and human imperfection. Her writing is often deeply autobiographical. She writes candidly about struggles with addiction, single motherhood, and her spiritual journey. The authenticity and vulnerability that are apparent in her writing have earned her a large following among readers who find her approach to faith relatable and non-judgmental.

Although she identifies as Christian, Lamott's work transcends denominational boundaries. Her reflections on prayer and spirituality resonate with a broad audience, including people from various religious backgrounds and those who may not adhere to a specific faith. While she may not have formal credentials in theology, her lived experience and candid reflections give her a unique voice in the conversation about prayer and spirituality.

Lamott created a simple, straightforward framework to present the subject of prayer. It is one I often use with spiritual direction clients to convey some common ways we pray and to elicit their personal sharing in relation to them. The framework is free of spiritual jargon, which makes it more universally accessible than most.

She emphasizes that prayer doesn’t need to be elaborate or formal. Lamott insists, in fact, that God is more interested in our authenticity than in the eloquence of our words. For her, prayer is as simple as saying "Help" when you're struggling, "Thanks" when you're grateful, and "Wow" when you're in awe of something.

These are the "essential prayers" she writes about in her book of the same name, Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers (2012). They reflect the informal, personal types of prayer I described previously.

• Prayers of Desperation (Help): Lamott writes about praying when you're desperate, broken, or uncertain, pointing out that this is where the most honest and raw form of prayer often emerges. She suggests that many people pray most earnestly when they’ve reached a point of vulnerability or suffering. This, she believes, is not a weakness but a gateway to grace and connection with the divine. These we could more formally call prayers of petition or intercession.

  Lamott often talks about how we are all flawed and imperfect, but that prayer can offer us a way to reconnect with something larger than ourselves. She describes prayer as a process of healing and understanding, not as a demand for perfection. God, in her view, isn’t looking for perfect people; rather, He’s there to meet us where we are—imperfect and broken as we may be. We might add prayers of confession or forgiveness to this category.

• Gratitude and Wonder (Thanks, Wow): One of the recurring themes in Lamott’s work is the practice of being grateful in all circumstances. Prayer, she says, can be a form of gratitude (aka thanksgiving) that doesn’t require us to deny our hardships but, instead, allows us to find a sense of awe and wonder even amidst suffering.

In some of her writings, Lamott also talks about the need for silent prayer. This is an addendum to the types of prayer indicated above and seems to point to the important role of contemplative (or meditative) prayer. She notes that while it's easy to talk to God, the deeper part of prayer can often be in listening, not just speaking.

Lamott acknowledges that silence can be uncomfortable, but it’s through silence that people can truly listen and be open to the still, small voice of God (substitute whatever name you choose). It is in listening to that voice that we begin to discover, uncover, and utilize our inborn sense of intuition for wise spiritual discernment. This was explored in a previous post.

Note: The similarities and differences between contemplative prayer and various forms of meditation can sometimes be confusing, so I’ll offer a comparison of those in a separate post.

Create, Renew, or Strengthen Your Practice

To create a habit of prayer requires a balance between personal autonomy and the discipline of regular practice. The challenge lies in designing a practice for yourself that feels authentic and meaningful, especially if you are a spiritually independent person.

Here are a few suggestions to help establish or renew a practice of prayer.

1. Begin with an intention.

Before launching or renewing a prayer practice, reflect on your purpose for engaging in it. Clarity around your "why" can make the practice more meaningful.

2. Personalize your practice.

Your practice should feel true to your beliefs. Consider flexibility in format. Use prayer prompts that resonate with you.

3. Dedicate space and time.

It could be as simple as choosing a quiet corner of your home or a space in your yard. It might include setting aside time after waking up or before bed. The creation of a best-fit environment for yourself increases the chance that you’ll establish consistency.

4. Start small and build gradually.

You don’t need to pray for long periods, especially right away. Avoid burnout by starting with a five-minute session and increasing it over time. Aim for discipline over duration as you begin.

5. Incorporate prayer into your daily routine.

Consider pairing prayer with other daily habits in the beginning (e.g., while drinking coffee, walking, or brushing your teeth, for example). By associating prayer with an existing habit, it becomes easier to integrate the practice into your schedule.

6. Avoid guilt or perfectionism.

Don’t let guilt or perfectionism derail you. The aim is to stay connected and aligned with your intentions rather than creating a rigid or guilt-driven habit. Prayer will be a process – an ongoing work in progress.

Final Thoughts

If you’re a spiritually independent person—someone who doesn't adhere strictly to a particular religion but values personal spiritual growth—prayer can offer a range of benefits. These are often more psychological, emotional, or existential than doctrinal.

Prayer can offer clarity and centering. It can provide a mindful moment, helping you detach from the noise of daily life. Speaking or thinking with intention can organize your thoughts and clarify your desires, goals, or struggles.

It can help with emotional regulation. The act of prayer often calms the nervous system, especially when done in a quiet or meditative way. It offers a safe space for feelings. You can express sorrow, gratitude, fear, hope without a need for validation from others.

Prayer can offer strength in hard times, when resilience and hope are needed. Turning inward can help you find courage or patience when external circumstances feel overwhelming. Even without belief in a deity, simply stating or visualizing a better outcome can sustain optimism.

Prayer creates grounding. When you express gratitude, for example, it fosters humility and a wider view of your place in the world. Naming blessings or lessons received can shift your mental and emotional framing of situations (within difficult times or the most ordinary of circumstances).

And finally, prayer can connect you to that “something greater” I keep talking about. Whether directed at God, the universe, nature, an inner wisdom, or something else, prayer nurtures a sense of being part of a larger whole.

My hope is that you’ll be inspired to cultivate, rediscover, or strengthen a prayer habit for yourself, one that feels authentic to what is stirring within you.